Do you happen to have a stomach pump with you?

WET PAINT (this is not an instruction)

Yeah, seven is about as old as I want them. Because when they get to
second grade, they start adding all sorts of body parts that I don't
want them to have yet.

Is there a major gas leak in here? If this place blows up in a few minutes,
I called it.

If you find a perfect church, don't go. You'll mess it up.

If you find a perfect church, don't go. You'll mess it up.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

Y' know, youre really not as tough as you think you are... OWWWW!!! That really hurt!

I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Some people say I must be a horrible person. That's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. On my desk.

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid inspirational statements

If necessity is the mother of invention, then laziness must be the father.

I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father.

Please don't throw cigarette butts on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.

Whatever you are from nature, keep to it; never desert your own line of talent. Be what nature intended you for, and you will succeed; be anything else, and you will be ten thousand times worse than nothing.

Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but do not relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

Some people follow their dreams, others hunt them down and beat them mercilessly into submission.

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.

Happy birthday! We're such good friends, we're just like Thelma and Thelma. (Let's face it. Louise was kind of an airhead.)

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Don't laugh at a youth for his affectations; he's only trying on one face after another until he finds his own.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Adults always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for *ideas*.

At Xmas, I like to send a special wish to special friends. You, however, just get a card.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

No one gets into heaven without a glowstick!

Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

All I want is a kind word, a warm bed and unlimited power.

Play Strip Risk. It is the only game in which you can say, I've conquered Algeria, now give me your pants!

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.

The most beautiful flower in the world will kill you if you snort the petals up your nose.

Politicians prefer unarmed peasants

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip a man's heart out through his wallet.

I wouldn't reccommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

People who are always looking over their shoulder, will most likely run into something.

Just because you're stupid doesn't mean I'm lying

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

If you can read this, then you're close enough that I can slam on my brakes and sue you for all you're worth.

Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

When people say I'm gonna kick your ass!, they never kick your ass, they punch you in the face.

Can I buy you a drink, or should I just give you the money?

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts.

God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to work one at a time

The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result in a perfect balance. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now.

It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?

We pray for MacArthur's erection.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

We anticipate a global world-maket with place for perhaps five computers.

Guitar-groups have no future.

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now.

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

Be careful -- Your family's future is in your hands.

For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks.

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

We pray for MacArthur's erection.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.

You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.

An Animated Cartoon Theology:


People are animals.
The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
Life is antagonistic to the living.
The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the Four F's:

fighting;
fleeing;
feeding; and
mating.

We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together.

Things are more like they are now that they have ever been.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

I think we're on the road to coming up with answers that I don't think any of us in total feel we have the answers to.

We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report.

It takes a genius to whine appealingly.